The Return
A few months ago, I moved back to Portland after living for two years in the Southwest. When I left, I thought I was starting a new chapter, not taking the scenic route back to where I began. But life has a way of surprising us.
After two years exploring the desert, adjusting to life in a small town and getting to know my neighbors, something unexpected happened. Someone in my life kept showing up. Someone I became more and more fond of. When he came to visit, the hikes along the Rio Grande were more epic, the red and green chili more flavorful. The tiny lizards baking themselves in the sun, more adorable yet. When he came to visit my life became more. . . of everything.
Love, when it comes, is like an unexpected gift. I knew I’d done nothing to earn it, and I knew it could disappear as quickly as it had arrived. And in a way, it did. He would come to visit, and then he would leave. I would visit him, and then I would return. A few days together, then weeks apart. A month alone then another reunion. Over time it became clear that where I lived mattered less than the person I was with. I was going back to Portland, as soon as I practically could.
When things don’t go according to my plans, I tend to feel a bit foolish, no matter how wonderful the circumstances are. Add that to being in love, and I walked around for a few weeks tripping over my own feet. There’s no fool like a fool in love, they say.
The fool is one of my favorite cards in the tarot deck. It is a picture of a young person and their happy little dog, head in the clouds, stepping off a cliff. They have only a kerchief slung on a stick and whatever is in will probably not last the day. They’re completely unaware that life has a big surprise waiting for them. We might shake our heads at their lack of foresight. There they go, daydreaming themselves off a cliff. And yet, we can relate.
Out of all the cards in the deck. The fool is the only one not given a number. It exists outside the cycle of the tarot deck as a vision of pure and simple trust. Our young traveler is in the moment enjoying the sun, the journey without cares. The fall, speaks to all of the things we cannot control. The unexpected twists that arrive on our doorstep and change our reality, whether we like it or not. We’ve made plans. We think we know what we’re doing and life gives us a wonderful, heart opening, jaw-dropping, surprise.
We fall off a cliff. We fall in love. We quit our job. We pack up our car and drive one thousand miles north. We surrender to the mystery. We let our plans be undone. And maybe, despite all our plans, that’s all we were ever doing anyway. So I’m back in Portland, but everything’s new. Welcome home. Welcome. . . whatever comes next.
